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For most of us retirement is the unimaginable. It is so far off in the future
that it seems likely to never come. But for the ELDER of the Clan Baley, that
day has arrived.
The first of May is the day that Laurel Faye turned old and gray.
She’s on her way to fun and play with no dismay for the coming day.
Freddy Mercury was gay and that’s okay cuz Laurel Faye is retired on the first
of May.
Yes, I am quite aware that I might have been reaching a bit toward the end of
that little limerick but hey, it rhymed didn’t it? After writing that little
ode, the writer has learned that niceties are not his bag and what readers
really want is the dirt so lets get back to our roots shall we. Sorry Evil,
that was as pleasant as it is going to get.
On with the show. She’s old. So old that we don’t allow her to work anymore. So
old that her family is considering revoking her driving privileges (which,
according to sources, technically should have been revoked several years ago on
the grounds of public safety). So old that she is allowed special discounts for
food that only the aged are entitled. So old...well you get the picture.
The question that has been nagging this writer is , "Was Air Canada, where our
fair Laurel was employed for the last five decades (Editors Note: figures might
appear larger than they actually are due to lazy reporting), sorry to see her
go?" After careful investigation (involving one of Air Canada’s crack team of
in-flight attendants and a bottle of tequila), the Ho-Down has found out that
Air Canada actually moved her retirement date ahead to get rid of her grouchy,
sorry old ass as soon as they were legally allowed. The only reason she was
allowed to stay on for the past few years was that the fascist union to which
she belonged (which I might add is the reason that you, the reader, must part
with so much of your hard-earned dollars just for the privilege of flying with
Air Canada), has a strict policy of allowing old, snarly and decrepit employees
to linger on long past the time where they could legally be euthanised treating
customers with the lack of respect that we, the flying public, have come to
crave from our truly Canadian modern dictatorship*. And another thing, if those
pilots think they are hot shit just because they get to "fly" a big "airplane"
then they can kiss my skinny white...
Laurel's new roommate at the Piney Shades retirement home
in Florida. The old fart next to him has asked not to be associated with
Laurel.
(Ed. note: The Ho-Down wishes to apologise for the drunken ramblings of the
writer and would like to inform the readers that this story will be continued
as soon as the writer sobers up.)
Two Days Later
(Ed. note: Sorry, we can’t wait for him to sober up. We’ve got a deadline to
meet.)
So Laurel is retired as of the publishing of this story and the writer would
like to wish Laurel Faye a happy farewell. The Ho-Down contacted Yoda at her
home at 6:00 AM on the morning after her last day. When asked if she had any
final last and inspiring words for the masses, Laurel replied, "Buzz off
Sparky. I’ve got a hangover that could kill a horse and if you know what’s good
for you, you’ll crawl back under your rock." Of course, the writer ignored the
wise words of this modern-day Plato and is currently in traction at an
undisclosed hospital suffering from severe contusions which police believe were
induced by a blunt object resembling an item not unlike a cane.
Once her alcoholic binge is finished Laurel has informed the Ho-Down that she
will be retiring to Florida in a trailor park just south of Fort Lauderdale.
She plans to take up crocheting, shuffle board, bingo, whittling, square
dancing, complaining about "those young punks", and making cool crafts like
those witty little wind thingies that are made out of two-litre plastic pop
bottles**. And on behalf of the family, we at the Ho-Down would like to
cordially invite you, our loyal readers, to Laurel’s place for bevvies and
whoring on Saturday, May 26. Bring your own booze. Snacks will be available.
This story was brought to you by Ned’s Medical Toilet Seats and other
posturepedic supplies.
*The Ho-Down wishes to take this opportunity to remind
the reader that the opinions expressed in this column are soley those of the
gin and tonic saturated writer and any lawsuits that the elderly or Air Canada
may be considering will be met with a plea of temporary insanity and innate
drunkenness. This is an official disclaimer and our lawyer,
Cleveland Steamer says that our ass is covered...
** If any of our readers would like to order one of
those cool wind thingies, the Ho-Down will be taking orders on Laurel’s behalf.
Please send one thousand dollars in non-sequential, unmarked bills to: The
Hillbaley Ho-Down and Extravaganza, Box 141, Morden, MB R6M 1A3. Include a
return address if you're feeling lucky.