The Hillbaley Ho Down & Extravaganza

Our Standards Are Very Low

The Ballad of Laurel Baley

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For most of us retirement is the unimaginable. It is so far off in the future that it seems likely to never come. But for the ELDER of the Clan Baley, that day has arrived.

The first of May is the day that Laurel Faye turned old and gray.
She’s on her way to fun and play with no dismay for the coming day.
Freddy Mercury was gay and that’s okay cuz Laurel Faye is retired on the first of May.

Yes, I am quite aware that I might have been reaching a bit toward the end of that little limerick but hey, it rhymed didn’t it? After writing that little ode, the writer has learned that niceties are not his bag and what readers really want is the dirt so lets get back to our roots shall we. Sorry Evil, that was as pleasant as it is going to get.

On with the show. She’s old. So old that we don’t allow her to work anymore. So old that her family is considering revoking her driving privileges (which, according to sources, technically should have been revoked several years ago on the grounds of public safety). So old that she is allowed special discounts for food that only the aged are entitled. So old...well you get the picture.

The question that has been nagging this writer is , "Was Air Canada, where our fair Laurel was employed for the last five decades (Editors Note: figures might appear larger than they actually are due to lazy reporting), sorry to see her go?" After careful investigation (involving one of Air Canada’s crack team of in-flight attendants and a bottle of tequila), the Ho-Down has found out that Air Canada actually moved her retirement date ahead to get rid of her grouchy, sorry old ass as soon as they were legally allowed. The only reason she was allowed to stay on for the past few years was that the fascist union to which she belonged (which I might add is the reason that you, the reader, must part with so much of your hard-earned dollars just for the privilege of flying with Air Canada), has a strict policy of allowing old, snarly and decrepit employees to linger on long past the time where they could legally be euthanised treating customers with the lack of respect that we, the flying public, have come to crave from our truly Canadian modern dictatorship*. And another thing, if those pilots think they are hot shit just because they get to "fly" a big "airplane" then they can kiss my skinny white...

Laurel's new roommate at the Piney Shades retirement home in Florida. The old fart next to him has asked not to be associated with Laurel.

(Ed. note: The Ho-Down wishes to apologise for the drunken ramblings of the writer and would like to inform the readers that this story will be continued as soon as the writer sobers up.)

Two Days Later
(Ed. note: Sorry, we can’t wait for him to sober up. We’ve got a deadline to meet.)

So Laurel is retired as of the publishing of this story and the writer would like to wish Laurel Faye a happy farewell. The Ho-Down contacted Yoda at her home at 6:00 AM on the morning after her last day. When asked if she had any final last and inspiring words for the masses, Laurel replied, "Buzz off Sparky. I’ve got a hangover that could kill a horse and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll crawl back under your rock." Of course, the writer ignored the wise words of this modern-day Plato and is currently in traction at an undisclosed hospital suffering from severe contusions which police believe were induced by a blunt object resembling an item not unlike a cane.

Once her alcoholic binge is finished Laurel has informed the Ho-Down that she will be retiring to Florida in a trailor park just south of Fort Lauderdale. She plans to take up crocheting, shuffle board, bingo, whittling, square dancing, complaining about "those young punks", and making cool crafts like those witty little wind thingies that are made out of two-litre plastic pop bottles**. And on behalf of the family, we at the Ho-Down would like to cordially invite you, our loyal readers, to Laurel’s place for bevvies and whoring on Saturday, May 26. Bring your own booze. Snacks will be available. This story was brought to you by Ned’s Medical Toilet Seats and other posturepedic supplies.

*The Ho-Down wishes to take this opportunity to remind the reader that the opinions expressed in this column are soley those of the gin and tonic saturated writer and any lawsuits that the elderly or Air Canada may be considering will be met with a plea of temporary insanity and innate drunkenness. This is an official disclaimer and our lawyer, Cleveland Steamer says that our ass is covered...

** If any of our readers would like to order one of those cool wind thingies, the Ho-Down will be taking orders on Laurel’s behalf. Please send one thousand dollars in non-sequential, unmarked bills to: The Hillbaley Ho-Down and Extravaganza, Box 141, Morden, MB R6M 1A3. Include a return address if you're feeling lucky.