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Capitalist Pigs Attack Brandon

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Capitalist Pigs Attack Brandon






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Two bombings have left 24 dead in the small yet quaint western Manitoba city of Brandon this week just weeks after the Athens bombing. It is believed that the terrorist organization known as POW or Pigs of W were behind the attacks. The attacks are a suspected retaliation for the swine embargo imposed on the US last fall. The bombings have left Ho Down Granny, Mayford Cro…er…Maybelle Crowski, ya, that's a good one, Maybelle Crowski homeless and the Ho Down Goat Farm (don't ask) reeling.

The first blast occurred late afternoon on Monday, May 3rd toppling a Brandon apartment while the second blast happened late afternoon on Friday May 10th. Both blasts were conducted with great precision and expertise in blowing stuff up which has lead local authorities to believe that George W. Bush and his POW terrorist organization are behind the attacks.

Dirty Sanchez surveys the devastation after the Salvation Army headquarters' blast

Investigators believe his Georgeness captured the pigs in a kidnapping plot and in good ole American dictator fashion, tortured them, oops, sorry, "Abused" them by stripping them naked (seriously, don't ask) and putting electrodes on their teats. Before you could say "Patty Hearst," the American Influencing Agency, also known as the marketing arm of Microsoft, had them turning on their fellow countrymen. With the aid of clandestine bottles of imported hooch, the pigs were then smuggled across the tightly-secured Canadian/American border and strategically planted on a compound…er…farm located north east of Brandon as a terrorist sleeper cell of POW.

Once on said farm, the American pigs craftily, just like Hogan's Heros, burrowed out of their pen leaving one comrad behind to spy on the humans. This just reeks of a George Orwell book whose name we can't quite put our finger on. Authorities have the remaining pig under heavy interrogation at the animal farm but at deadline, the only quotable nugget we've got is: "I'll never squeal, you Socialist morons. Viva Capitalism!"

According to Ho Down sources, once out on their own, said pigs trecked 20 kms to a secret rendezvous point where coordination of the bombings took place. Taking a page from the Jihad manual, "Suicide Bombing for Dummies" written by noted double agent "Old Spice", one of the escaped swines strapped some weapons-grade, cabbage roll-laced alpaca manure to his back and made a beeline for what is believed to be the headquarters for the growing extremist group known as the Salvation Army.

Victim's of the blast include Ho Down Grandmatriarch, "Big Mayford" along with her neighbour, "Muriel…just, Muriel". Shortly after the blast, Big Mayford was quoted as saying, "I began to wonder if something was wrong, you know, 'cause the weatherman didn't call for flames falling from the ceiling today. 'Course, you know weathermen these days. Sometimes I wonder if they think to look out the window."

When questioned, Muriel claims to have seen the pig sniffing around just seconds before the blast but didn't give it a second thought, claiming, "I just figured the New Demmycrats were in power again."

The plot for the second bomb was no less insidious. Before escaping their communist chains, the cunning beasts planted a time-released manure bomb behind the barn. According to an expert at the Canadian Animal Terrorist Society, the terrorist pigs planned to detonate the bomb during a high-profile event to maximize publicity.

The remains of the barn after the smoldering pile of manure blew up

It was only after they determined that W's crack spy-team had deployed them to Brandon, of all places, that they gave up waiting for a high-profile event and they settled on May 10 as it was the birthday of one of the pigs' ex-girlfriends and he still kinda carried a torch for her. (This claim was later validated by the discovery of the phrase, "For Laura W" written near the bomb site.)

Victims of the blast include 16 goats and 8 chickens. Says neighbour Miles Floyd, "It was dang horrible is what it was. There was goat carcasses and chicken feathers fallin' from the sky and it stank to high heaven for put-near three days, it did."

Reports of the escapees were broadcast by local Brandon radio station CKLQ and sightings by persons believing to have spotted the pigs were reported daily. Brandon Animal Control Special Agent Kevin "I like to fire ma gun, hyuck, hyuck" Silverman shot and killed one of the renegades after a long stand-off at Barney's Hotel at the junction of Hwy 1 and Hwy 10. (Actually, the pig was grazing and Kevin "couldn't contain him" so he offed the little bugger.) Said special agent Kevin, "Well, he was a 200 pound pig with sharp pointy teeth, what was I supposed to do? One minute they are grazing the next minute they could be on your throat like a fat kid on a smarty".

Three of the terrorist pigs are still at large while Big Mayford and her side kick Bubba Louise Muriel…just Muriel were last seen nittering about Sodom and Gomorrah while hanging clothes at an undisclosed suburban Virdennite home whistling (or whatever it is that Big Mayford does) the theme to The Littlest Hobo.

Oh ya, Deke and Lindsay had a baby boy, Cooper Trail Baley. Retaliation brainwashing has already begun.

Who's up for a barn buildin'? See the results of the poll here