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Capitalist Pigs Attack Brandon
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Two bombings have left 24 dead in the small yet quaint western Manitoba city
of Brandon this week just weeks after the Athens bombing. It is believed that
the terrorist organization known as POW or Pigs of W were behind the attacks.
The attacks are a suspected retaliation for the
imposed on the US last fall. The bombings have left Ho Down Granny, Mayford
Cro…er…Maybelle Crowski, ya, that's a good one, Maybelle Crowski homeless and
the Ho Down Goat Farm (don't ask) reeling.
The first blast occurred late afternoon on Monday, May 3rd toppling a Brandon
apartment while the second blast happened late afternoon on Friday May 10th.
Both blasts were conducted with great precision and expertise in blowing stuff
up which has lead local authorities to believe that George W. Bush and his POW
terrorist organization are behind the attacks.
Dirty Sanchez surveys the devastation after the Salvation Army headquarters' blast
Investigators believe his Georgeness captured the pigs in a kidnapping plot
and in good ole American dictator fashion, tortured them, oops, sorry, "Abused"
them by stripping them naked (seriously, don't ask) and putting electrodes on
their teats. Before you could say "Patty Hearst," the American Influencing
Agency, also known as the marketing arm of Microsoft, had them turning on their
fellow countrymen. With the aid of clandestine bottles of imported hooch, the
pigs were then smuggled across the tightly-secured Canadian/American border and
strategically planted on a compound…er…farm located north east of Brandon as a
terrorist sleeper cell of POW.
Once on said farm, the American pigs craftily, just like Hogan's Heros,
burrowed out of their pen leaving one comrad behind to spy on the humans. This
just reeks of a George Orwell book whose name we can't quite put our finger on.
Authorities have the remaining pig under heavy interrogation at the animal farm
but at deadline, the only quotable nugget we've got is: "I'll never squeal, you
Socialist morons. Viva Capitalism!"
According to Ho Down sources, once out on their own, said pigs trecked 20 kms
to a secret rendezvous point where coordination of the bombings took place.
Taking a page from the Jihad manual, "Suicide Bombing for Dummies" written by
noted double agent
one of the escaped swines strapped some
weapons-grade, cabbage roll-laced
to his back and made a beeline for what is believed to be the headquarters for
the growing extremist group known as the Salvation Army.
Victim's of the blast include Ho Down Grandmatriarch, "Big Mayford" along with
her neighbour, "Muriel…just, Muriel". Shortly after the blast, Big Mayford was
quoted as saying, "I began to wonder if something was wrong, you know, 'cause
the weatherman didn't call for flames falling from the ceiling today. 'Course,
you know weathermen these days. Sometimes I wonder if they think to look out
When questioned, Muriel claims to have seen the pig sniffing around just
seconds before the blast but didn't give it a second thought, claiming, "I just
figured the New Demmycrats were in power again."
The plot for the second bomb was no less insidious. Before escaping their
communist chains, the cunning beasts planted a time-released manure bomb behind
the barn. According to an expert at the Canadian Animal Terrorist Society, the
terrorist pigs planned to detonate the bomb during a high-profile event to
The remains of the barn after the smoldering pile of manure blew up
It was only after they determined that W's crack spy-team had deployed them to
Brandon, of all places, that they gave up waiting for a high-profile event and
they settled on May 10 as it was the birthday of one of the pigs'
ex-girlfriends and he still kinda carried a torch for her. (This claim was
later validated by the discovery of the phrase, "For Laura W" written near the
Victims of the blast include 16 goats and 8 chickens. Says neighbour Miles
Floyd, "It was dang horrible is what it was. There was goat carcasses and
chicken feathers fallin' from the sky and it stank to high heaven for put-near
three days, it did."
Reports of the escapees were broadcast by local Brandon radio station CKLQ and
sightings by persons believing to have spotted the pigs were reported daily.
Brandon Animal Control Special Agent Kevin "I like to fire ma gun, hyuck,
hyuck" Silverman shot and killed one of the renegades after a long stand-off at
Barney's Hotel at the junction of Hwy 1 and Hwy 10. (Actually, the pig was
grazing and Kevin "couldn't contain him" so he offed the little bugger.) Said
special agent Kevin, "Well, he was a 200 pound pig with sharp pointy teeth,
what was I supposed to do? One minute they are grazing the next minute they
could be on your throat like a fat kid on a smarty".
Three of the terrorist pigs are still at large while Big Mayford and her side
kick Bubba Louise Muriel…just Muriel were last seen nittering about Sodom and
Gomorrah while hanging clothes at an undisclosed suburban Virdennite home
whistling (or whatever it is that Big Mayford does) the theme to The Littlest
Deke and Lindsay
had a baby boy, Cooper Trail Baley. Retaliation brainwashing has already begun.
Who's up for a barn buildin'?
See the results of the poll here