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Canada Imposes Swine Embargo

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Canada Imposes Swine Embargo





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A bold step was taken today by newly electe--er…appointed Canadian Prime Minister, Paul Martin. (Ed.Note: Does this mean we live in a dictatorship and should prepare for invasion from the U.S.?) Dictator Martin maintained his predecessor's standoff-ishness with the US today by imposing an embargo on all US swine and swine-related products. Ho Down investigative reporter Dirty Sanchez broke the story while recovering from a peyote binge in Forrest, Manitoba.

The farmer under investigation (for unrelated but no less intriguing matters) had recently acquired three potbellied pigs and was overheard telling the recent porkers to "Snap out of it, man. Just chill, homey". After further research, Mr. Sanchez discovered that the pigs were afflicted with Slightly Pissed Off Swine Disorder , or B.U.S.H., a little-known disease that affects everything swine-like and is very contagious to everything swinese. One of the pigs, as it turns out, had become "Slightly Pissed Off" with the name bestowed upon him by his new owners. While the other two had cool names, Napolean and Cowboy, he had been dubbed George W. by his sadistic owners.

George W. (middle) shortly after his name change. Can't you just see the hurt in his eyes?

Now in a parallel universe, where everything is opposite of what it is in this universe, that might be considered an all right name. But this being the "normal" universe, the name had certain connotations that not even a potbellied pig living in the hills of Brandon, Manitoba wanted to be associated with. This, in turn, led to it catching Slightly Pissed Off Swine Disorder (or B.U.S.H.).

Being the educated man that he is, Mr. Sanchez recognized that to get any press these days, it helps to have a disorder in the headlines and this seemed just as good as the next one. When he questioned the farmer on the origins of the PO'd pig, the farmer could neither confirm nor deny that the pig came from the U.S. Choosing to focus on the lack of denial, Dirty Sanchez broke the story to an unsuspecting Canadian public. Paul Martin, not wanting to "compromise" the "safety" of all "Canadians," immediately shut down the border to everything swine or swine-like after early reports indicated that the pig originated "south of the border". The international community took notice.

However, as is typical with laws that are enacted with the reactionary mentality of a five-year-old child, this one had some unexpected consequences. The upcoming meeting of the minds ‘twixt Prime Minister Martin and President George W. Bush has been cancelled due to the fact that nothing swine-like is allowed across the border. Also, a large number of Canadian Alliance members, along with Conrad Black, have been forced to be deported due to their swineyness.

U.S. INS spokeswoman, Karen Black, says she is unsure if the U.S. has the capacity to handly such an influx of pigs and claims they may have to start a refugee camp on Fascist Island. (Black assures the Ho Down that the prisoners will be shown the same comfort as the recent Afghan refugees on Guantanamo Bay.) Big money-hungry corporations such as Walmart, Home Depot, and Toys ‘R Us were also forced to head back to the U.S. allowing Canadian "Mom and Pop" shops, such as Revy, Future Shop, and Chapters to flourish once again.

Repercussions in Canada have been held to a minimum with the only unrest occurring in central Saskatchewan where all three Saskatchewanians have started a minor revolt at the CTV station after learning that all U.S. reality shows are being cancelled due to their swineyness.

After an unsuccessful attempt at "negotiating" with Dirty Sanchez to halt publication of the story, a visibly chagrined Bush went back to the U.S. to plot his next unsanctioned invasion/liberation

President Bush is accusing Canada of over-reacting to the incident insisting that not all the facts have been gathered or assessed yet. In a televised statement, he voiced his disappointment by saying, "Is this how you treat your best friend? Were we not there for you during the softwood lumber crisis? OK, that's not such a good example but how about the mad cow scare when we banned all Canadian...OK, forget that, too. But let's not forget that we have a free trade agreement that is there for the benefit of the U.S.--I mean, both nations. OK, another bad example but, come on, guys. I mean, jeez, you can't do this. Daddy! Canada's not playing nice. Can we invade them?"

Paul Martin has appointed a committee to study the issue of Pissed Offedness in pigs who aren't happy with their nameage and promised one billion dollars to finance the effort. Named to the committee are such luminaries as Paul Martin's brother, Paul Martin's uncle, Paul Martin's dentist to whom he owes money for his latest bridgework, Paul Martin's garage mechanic who was nice enough to keep quiet about the blood on his bumper, and Dirty Sanchez for reasons that can not legally be disclosed. The money, as always, is being attributed to that catch-all banner of "Sustainable Development," whatever the hell that means.

Almost forgotten, the pig that started this brouhaha is undergoing intense group therapy for its Slightly Pissed Off Swine Disorder (or B.U.S.H.). In the latest report from his therapist, George W. still has "issues" but is reportedly doing "okay".

NOTE: We realize that we are breaking a long-standing tradition of not including Laurel in this story. We felt this was best given that she will be crossing the border with Dirty Sanchez's two legitimate children next week. Suffice it to say that she did manage to hurt herself last month as she tried to "get a closer look at Mars." Lawsuits against the company that sold her the ladder are pending.

What do you think of the Canadian ban on American pigs? See the results of the poll here