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Computer Hacker Topples Saddam Hussein
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Reporter Dirty Sanchez has recently been informed that a local Calgary hacker,
known only as Old Spice, has unwittingly toppled Saddam Hussein's Iraqi regime.
The Ho Down intercepted an online chat with the local computer
guru/international woman of intrigue and an unnamed Iraqi dictator. In a
journalistic coup, the Ho Down managed to score an exclusive interview with
Laurel Bale...er...Old Spice. During the interview her voice was electronically
altered to sound like a shrill old Ukrainian woman so as to protect her
The saga begins at the headquarters of the CRRSBI
(Canadian Really, Really Secret Bureau of Investigation), also know as
the home of one Laurel Faye Bale...er... Old Spice in Calgary, Albert...er...
Millarville, Saskatoba, ya, Saskatoba. Laure...oops...Old Spice had decided to
invest in a "Fancy Fandagled Thingy" know to the rest of the world as a
computer. Family members welcoming Old Spice into the late 1980s had mixed
emotions as they were thrilled at the prospect of not having to communicate
with her directly but somewhat leery that someone like her would be allowed to
roam free in cyberspace (particularly since many of those said people share her
When family members asked why, after all these years of (computer) illiteracy,
she would consider such a thing, Old Spice replied, "That little guy on the
Dell commercials is so hot, Dude! I had to get a Dell, didn't I? ". Shrugging
it off as just her second mid- to later- part of life crisis, family members
prepared themselves, once again, for the worst.
Old Spice with anonymous Iraqi leader "The Sodom". Old Spice's picture has been digitally altered to protect her identity.
Being an employee of Canada's very own air travel dictatorship, whom this paper
will call "Air Canada", and working under its very own dictator, whom this
paper will call "Robert Milton", she had had no need for such devices as
computers. What with their cracker jack scheduling and second-to-none
efficiency, why would one need such an evil instrument of mass destruction? But
[Ed. Note: we will be digressing a lot in this one folks. Such is the folly of a
story which includes Old Spice. <sigh>]
So, dudes, she got a Dell. The first weeks of computer ownership are just
peachy. Old Spice is giddy about her new found love affair with the bad boy of
the twentieth century, Das 'Puter. She finds it both convenient and
informative. She can get up in the morning, pour herself a morning shot of
bourbon, fire up her PC, which we laymen refer to as the monitor, and pay her
bills right online. The Ho Down later determined that this meant actually
sticking her money into the "Cash Slot", which we layman refer to as the floppy
drive. Later, there were minor injuries when she tried to listen to some of her
CDs. Apparently, she would get frustrated when she pressed play and her Wild
Turkey kept sliding back and forth in the cup holder, which we laymen refer to
as the CD tray.
She eventually worked out all the growing pains of first time computer
ownership, and the casualties were surprisingly low. The only victim known
to-date is a long time (and recently martyred) family friend, whom this paper
will call Dougy Mitchell (the poor guy), who was receiving therapy after having
to explain the fine art of turning on the computer to Old Spice. (The
experience was captured on film in the recent movie, Zoolander.) With these
growing pains gone, our hero Old Spice found herself surfing the information
super-highway. Unfortunately, she drove the highway much the way she does her
own car, leaving behind a bloodbath of slaughter and butchery.
As it turns out, one day Old Spice wanted to bake herself a pie. Her
inspirational teacher, Dougy (God rest his soul), had taught her how to search
for things on the "Highway". She went to the search engine web page, ("hee
hee," she says to herself, "Web Page") and unknowingly typed in Spies instead
of Pies. Before you can say, "World Wide Witch", she has stumbled across a chat
room for spies.
Iraqi soldier, Mustafa Sharon, seconds before his lethal, cabbage roll-laden alpaca goes off.
Before long, Old Spice is chatting up "this nice Arab dictator fellow from
across the pond". The conversation went through the usual small talk that
normal humans need to get started and then turned to more serious topics when
Old Spice mentioned how much she wanted to kill the editor from a certain
unnamed capitalistic "news" organization.
The nice Arab dictator, known on the spy network as "The Sodom", asked Old
Spice if she had "the recipes" which is spy-speak for chemical and biological
weapons. Being of "that" age (by that, we mean really f*&%-ing old), Old
Spice relapsed once again and thought she was talking to her sister, Kathy
Spice, and sent him the perogy and cabbage roll recipes that Kathy Spice had
requested only five short years ago.
During the conversation, Old Spice told the nice old Arab dictator about her
nephews' new alpaca ranch, Great Plains Alpaca Ranch (now with two locations:
one in Virden, MB and one in Forrest, MB and found on the web at
www.greatplainsalpacas.com for all your alpaca needs). "The Sodom,"
thinking that these were new weapons of mass destruction, was quite intrigued.
"Weapons-grade alpacas", he thought, "that's just crazy enough to work."
The conversation nittered on and on and on, as conversations with Old Spice do,
and the two said their goodbyes. Laurel continued her search for intelligent
life on the Internet while the unnamed Iraqi dictator began plans for lethal
llamas. Unbeknownst to the two parties, the slithery American spies had been
listening in on their conversation. At long last, the Americans had their
"Smoking Gun" thanks to unwitting field-op Old Spice.
The next day, the Americans marched into Baghdad and stormed the stronghold of
the unnamed Iraqi dictator who gave up willingly. Seems he had fed Old Spice's
weapons-grade cabbage rolls and perogies to some local llamas and alpacas and
his army was being overcome with a most powerful methane gas, the likes of
which had never been encountered outside a three-mile radius of Old Spice's
home. American president George Dubya Bush was caught on tape by Ho Down
journalist, Dirty Sanchez (and we use the term, "journalist" very loosely), as
saying, "Can we shoot 'em, pa? Can we shoot 'em? You promised I would get to
oblitersize somethin', pa. Can I oblitersize 'em? Can I? They all laughed at
me, pa, I told them they was teroriss, damn, terroisss, shoot, terror, why
can't I say terrorisss, damn bad guys."
When questioned about the incident, Old Spice had this to say:
"Damn Americans. I hate those bastards."
Should the Americans mind their own f&%*ing business and stop raking sticks against the fences of vicious dogs?
See the results of the poll here