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Afghan Bust

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Ma Baley's Knitting Emporium in Teulon, Manitoba was the target of an early morning CRRSBI1 raid on the morning of October 21, 2001.

The CRRSBI received a tip from an anonymous caller stating that owner/operator Ma "Needles" Baley had been harbouring Afghans in a local machine shed out at old Wild Bill Gretchen's homestead. Forty-three officers from forty-five countries stormed the premises at dawn and seized over one hundred afghans. A public liaison for the CRRSBI said all the afghans were in good shape and had a lot of very interesting colour patterns. He also went on to say that this bust was the biggest of its kind since the Bureau's inception on September 12, 2001.

Authorities were enforcing a hastily created anti-terrorist law pushed through the House of Commons by the Liberal government. (Ed. Note: It appears more and more that the term "Liberal" applies to the many ways their laws can be interpreted.)

The Chretien Dynasty, in an effort to pretend that they are actually doing something worthwhile on providing Canadians with the security and safety that they feel "Canadian citizens demand", steamrolled and bullied the bill through the commons in true fascist style on September 13, 2001 after receiving huge pressure from United States president, W, to tighten up security on the home front.

CRRSBI's top agent, Horatio "Buzz" McGee shows off the illegal afghans uncovered by the bust. Locals in Teulon denounced Ma "Needles" Baley for harbouring known, albeit comfortable, terrorists

The bill states that "it is illegal to harbour, aid, abet, or buy drinks for Afghans during times of war". (It should be noted that we are not paraphrasing the bill in the slightest; this is the exact text of the bill in its entirety.) Critics of the new law have often said that the definition of an "Afghan" is too broad and the bill should be revamped to better define its scope. Canadian Alliance Leader, Stockwell Day (who would like it noted that there is an alternative fascist government to the Liberals), offered the following amendment: "It is illegal to harbour, aid, or abet Afghans not containing wool and/or cotton during times of war." Day dismissed questions about the exclusion of the "buy drinks" clause by claiming, "I often buy drinks for quilts and I certainly don't feel like a terrorist."

A local spoksman for the town of Teulon, Manitoba, Vic Negridge, said that he wasn't surprised to see CRRSBI agents storm the premises. "I've had my eye on that place for a while now. And that isn't the only thing that has been going on there, either. Needles has been importing and exporting all kinds of sweaters too. It was probably that pesky varmint Satan that influenced her!"

Ma Baley, who was not on scene during the raid, returned home from her side job as a "nurse" for the Hunter Memorial Hospital in Teulon, was quoted as saying, "You always know that someday your machine shed will be stormed by do-gooder zealots. I'm just happy they didn't touch my pot growing behind the corn field."

Local aid workers are currently looking for places to house the growing numbers of displaced afghans and are calling on the public to donate anything they can. Local Red Cross representative, Helen, had this to say: "There are just too many afghans and we don't have the resources to handle this many." Helen (who refused to give her last name but we're guessing Campbell) has high hopes that with the falling temperatures, she'll find good homes for the afghans before long.

Since the new bill has come into effect, some one thousand afghans have been found and local aid workers say that the need for donations is critical. There are currently ten refugee camps set up across the province to attempt to house the growing numbers of afghan refugees. If you wish to donate funds to help the afghan plight please go to the official afghan relief fund website at www.dirtysanchezbeerfund.org.

1Canadian Really Really Secret Bureau of Investigation

Would you like to harbour an afghan for the low, low price of $49.95? See the results of the poll here