The Hillbaley Ho Down & Extravaganza

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Ho Down Reporter Attacked

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Fozzie Miller, editor for the Hillbaley Ho Down and Extravaganza was the victim of a vicious kamikaze attack while driving to work in the early hours of November 29.

Miller denies reports that he asked the perpetrator to "have another go" at the vehicle before the police arrived at the scene. Sniffs Miller, "I loved that car."

Miller was in his sporty, yet sensible 1999 Cavalier taking the same road to work that he had for the last three years heading eastbound on a busy Calgary road when a westbound 1992 Buick Regal veered directly into his path. Miller reacted with the lightning quick reflexes of a man having just woken up from a three-day drunken binge but when it became apparent that he would not be able to avoid the accident, he adjusted his strategy and steered into the oncoming car, instinctively screaming "Death to Commies" in defiance.

In an act of pure cowardice, the driver of the Regal from Hell fled the scene stopping long enough only to leave her name, driver's license number, and phone number and to give a statement to the police.

This is the latest in a series of attacks on members of the Ho Down staff after a hot air balloon strafed "Hot" Carl Ramone's residence in June and an unknown assailant seriously misjudged editor Carlos "Dirty" Sanchez's consumption abilities in an alcohol poisoning attempt three weeks ago.

Since the accident, Miller is lobbying for a ban on airbags on the grounds that they smell when deployed.

"We take it as a matter of course around here," claims Sanchez. "Our employees know the risks going in. I mean, did Fozzie think he was signing a benefits form when he started? Hell, even the coffee boy signs that waiver. And if that bastard thinks his deadline is extended because of this, he'd better remember who's paying for his little 'habit'."

Miller's vehicle was totalled but not without controversy. The insurance company had originally decided to deny the claim until the Ho Down's faithful negotiator, Papa Louie, managed to point out the dangers of everyday driving and the importance of the Ho Down's continued "support" to the adjusters. (Ever vigilant, Papa also pointed out some crowbar shaped dents on the rear of the vehicle that the adjusters failed to notice upon first inspection.)