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Fozzie Miller, editor for the Hillbaley Ho Down and Extravaganza was the victim
of a vicious kamikaze attack while driving to work in the early hours of
Miller denies reports that he asked the perpetrator to
"have another go" at the vehicle before the police arrived at the scene. Sniffs
Miller, "I loved that car."
Miller was in his sporty, yet sensible 1999 Cavalier taking the same road to
work that he had for the last three years heading eastbound on a busy Calgary
road when a westbound 1992 Buick Regal veered directly into his path. Miller
reacted with the lightning quick reflexes of a man having just woken up from a
three-day drunken binge but when it became apparent that he would not be able
to avoid the accident, he adjusted his strategy and steered into the oncoming
car, instinctively screaming "Death to Commies" in defiance.
In an act of pure cowardice, the driver of the Regal from Hell fled the scene
stopping long enough only to leave her name, driver's license number, and phone
number and to give a statement to the police.
This is the latest in a series of attacks on members of the Ho Down staff after
a hot air balloon strafed "Hot" Carl Ramone's residence in June and an unknown
assailant seriously misjudged editor Carlos "Dirty" Sanchez's consumption
abilities in an alcohol poisoning attempt three weeks ago.
Since the accident, Miller is lobbying for a ban on
airbags on the grounds that they smell when deployed.
"We take it as a matter of course around here," claims Sanchez. "Our employees
know the risks going in. I mean, did Fozzie think he was signing a benefits
form when he started? Hell, even the coffee boy signs that waiver. And if that
bastard thinks his deadline is extended because of this, he'd better remember
who's paying for his little 'habit'."
Miller's vehicle was totalled but not without controversy. The insurance company
had originally decided to deny the claim until the Ho Down's faithful
negotiator, Papa Louie, managed to point out the dangers of everyday driving
and the importance of the Ho Down's continued "support" to the adjusters. (Ever
vigilant, Papa also pointed out some crowbar shaped dents on the rear of the
vehicle that the adjusters failed to notice upon first inspection.)