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The Ho Down and Extravaganza was informed by an anonymous source, whom this
e-paper will call "Lynn Jessop" to respect the source's privacy, that a local
Calgary man was having a mid-life crisis of epic proportions. The local man,
whom this paper will call "George Jessop" for the same reason as above, went
crazy a week before his fortieth birthday by launching a cross-dressing bender
and transsexual exploration rampage.
"Now that I've revealed my true self, I feel so much...yummier"
According to sources close to "George Jessop", the transgender binge started
the day of February 4, 2002 after watching an episode of "Jerry Springer" (the
real name of the show has been changed for legal purposes) the night before.
The source allegedly claims that "she" and "George" were up late culturing
themselves in the finest television that the US of A has to offer when the host
of the "Jerry Springer" show was exploring a topic that was sure to change the
landscape of the American, if not the North American, psyche; namely,
Cross-Dressing Middle Aged Men Who Want To Be Whores.
The source said that the guests had just started to reveal their inner selves
when "George" started to break down and cry. When asked what was wrong,
"George" ran out of the room and into the garage, which unbeknownst to "Lynn"
had become "George's" transsexual refuge for the past two years. In a state of
disbelief (and slight arousal), "Lynn" ran after him. When she caught up to
"George" she was stunned at what she discovered. "She" found "George"
ransacking through what she had believed until that moment to be his tool
cabinets. Instead, they were filled with lace and leather women's undergarments
and various other implements of cross-dressing paraphernalia.
Local sociologist, Gil Perrin, attributes "George's" coming out to his love of the WWF. "When you have that many sweaty men groping each other, this sort of behaviour is bound to happen. The Rock alone has caused three similar such incidents in Calgary in the last four months."
The source claims that "George's" sobs began to change to school girl giggles
as he began to strip out of what he referred to as his "evil man clothes" and
don a Rocky Horror Picture Show replica outfit. He looked into his loving
wife's eyes and said (this is a quote and wasn't at all fabricated):
<pause for dramatic effect>
"Honey! I am forty years old. My name is "George Jessop". I really, REALLY like
dressing up as a woman and I want to be a whore!"
<pause to allow quote to sink in>
Moments after his mid-life decree, he pulled out a two-way radio in the shape
of a phallic male organ which we will call a "dick". Into it, he announced,
"Okay Lads. LLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!".
"How'd you like to try your luck with a sweet transvestite, big boy!"
As he whooshed out the door in his Dr. Frank N. Furter garb, his desperate wife
followed muttering, "I can't believe it. My mother was right." "She" followed
"him" around the block corner and stopped dead in "her" tracks. We would like
to say that the following events were the most bizarre ever encountered in the
Jessop neighbourhood but quite frankly, it's a strange neighbourhood.
From around trees, out of buildings, and out of trunks of parked cars poured
transsexuals, transgenders, and just plain freaky looking people all adorned in
appropriate transvestite apparel. Much to the amazement of the neighbourhood
folk, the posse of transsexuals began organizing into rows and started
choreographing to the Village People's In the Navy in an extravagant chorus
line that would impress even the Rockettes. They laughed, they cried, they
cavorted, they frolicked, they danced the samba (which this reporter found
oddly arousing), and they embraced each other in ways unbecoming
non-transsexual forty year old males.
As the sun came up the following morning, and to Frank Zappa's Why Does It Hurt
When I Pee, they gaily gathered together in a "group hug" to show their
transgender solidarity. "Lynn" disgusted by the spectacle her husband had
become was last seen sloshed out of her head, naked, and climbing into her
neighbour's bed by mistake. "She" was heard to have said, "He looks like such a
slut in black."
When asked about his "coming out" by Ho Down reporter Dirty Sanchez (who was
very drunk and refutes any accusations that he was dancing on tables and
gyrating with "The Transsexuals" to Alex Harvey's Gang Bang), "George Jessop"
made this prophetic statement, "I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual,
Nicely put, "George". The Ho Down salutes you for your bravery.
How does George look in lace?
See the results of the poll here