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In a seemingly desperate attempt to dissuade critics of his leadership, Canadian
Alliance leader Stockwell Day has announced that a special wrestling match will
be held in the Pengrowth Saddledome this August which will decide who will be
the next leader of the troubled party. After dismissing several other types of
matches, including a wrist match or the dreaded round-robin cage match, Day and
his advisors settled on a Battle Royal-style, a winner-take-all format where
the last person standing will be crowned leader of the Canadian Alliance (not
unlike the retirement party held at Laurel's house in May).
In a somber statement, Day defended his actions: "We felt that this is an
appropriate venue for deciding the leader of our party. Not only that, but it
harkens back to the wrestling days of yore where athletes such as Randy 'Macho
Man' Savage and Mad Dog Vachon strutted there stuff. Today, you've got these
pansy-ass wannabes with names like 'The Undertaker' and 'The Rock'. 'Can you
smell what the Rock is cooking?' I mean, what the hell does that mean? When I
watched wrestling as a kid and Baron Von Rashke came at the camera with 'The
Claw', I was scared. I mean, genuinely terrified."
Day to Critics: "Bring it on!"
Mr. Day did hint that he would unleash a special manoeuvre at the match which he
has been honing for several months called, "The Homo-Eradicator".
When asked how his constituents felt about the announcement, Day replied, "The
Canadian Alliance has always been a grassroots party. We started at the
grassroots, we grew with the grassroots, and we succeeded at the grassroots.
I've always prided myself at knowing the grassroots and I think I know what the
grassroots want. The grassroots are telling me that the grassroots want their
leader elected by sheer force and I can't think of a better show of power than
a good old-fashioned Battle Royal."*
The so-called "Rebel Alliance" (who currently number thirteen) were taken aback
by the news but quickly recovered. Art Hanger, one of the first to defect,
called the decision a "worthy challenge" and immediately hired a personal
trainer to prepare for the match.
"That f*&^%ing crackpot wants to wrassle? I'll show him what I used to do with
alligators down in the Everglades in the 60s," commented Hanger.
Day with his personal trainer, William "Mr. Big" Byrd
The reactions from other national political parties was mixed. Liberal MP Sandy
Mulholland expressed concern that the Alliance may try to pass this off as a
cultural event and Progressive Conservative representative Mike Schuman laughed
until beer come out of his nose. A spokesperson for the Rhino party was very
distraught with the news, claiming that the Alliance stole the idea from them.
This reporter refuses to recognize the NDP as a legitimate party.
Not one to pass up an opportunity, tickets for the event are available at the
Hodown and will cost $15.00**.