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Battle Royal to Decide Alliance Leadership

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In a seemingly desperate attempt to dissuade critics of his leadership, Canadian Alliance leader Stockwell Day has announced that a special wrestling match will be held in the Pengrowth Saddledome this August which will decide who will be the next leader of the troubled party. After dismissing several other types of matches, including a wrist match or the dreaded round-robin cage match, Day and his advisors settled on a Battle Royal-style, a winner-take-all format where the last person standing will be crowned leader of the Canadian Alliance (not unlike the retirement party held at Laurel's house in May).

In a somber statement, Day defended his actions: "We felt that this is an appropriate venue for deciding the leader of our party. Not only that, but it harkens back to the wrestling days of yore where athletes such as Randy 'Macho Man' Savage and Mad Dog Vachon strutted there stuff. Today, you've got these pansy-ass wannabes with names like 'The Undertaker' and 'The Rock'. 'Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?' I mean, what the hell does that mean? When I watched wrestling as a kid and Baron Von Rashke came at the camera with 'The Claw', I was scared. I mean, genuinely terrified."

Day to Critics: "Bring it on!"

Mr. Day did hint that he would unleash a special manoeuvre at the match which he has been honing for several months called, "The Homo-Eradicator".

When asked how his constituents felt about the announcement, Day replied, "The Canadian Alliance has always been a grassroots party. We started at the grassroots, we grew with the grassroots, and we succeeded at the grassroots. I've always prided myself at knowing the grassroots and I think I know what the grassroots want. The grassroots are telling me that the grassroots want their leader elected by sheer force and I can't think of a better show of power than a good old-fashioned Battle Royal."*

The so-called "Rebel Alliance" (who currently number thirteen) were taken aback by the news but quickly recovered. Art Hanger, one of the first to defect, called the decision a "worthy challenge" and immediately hired a personal trainer to prepare for the match.

"That f*&^%ing crackpot wants to wrassle? I'll show him what I used to do with alligators down in the Everglades in the 60s," commented Hanger.

Day with his personal trainer, William "Mr. Big" Byrd

The reactions from other national political parties was mixed. Liberal MP Sandy Mulholland expressed concern that the Alliance may try to pass this off as a cultural event and Progressive Conservative representative Mike Schuman laughed until beer come out of his nose. A spokesperson for the Rhino party was very distraught with the news, claiming that the Alliance stole the idea from them. This reporter refuses to recognize the NDP as a legitimate party.

Not one to pass up an opportunity, tickets for the event are available at the Hodown and will cost $15.00**.

*Day had no comment when this reporter suggested that he had smoked a little too much of "the grassroots".
**plus an administration fee of US$350